The Best Bachelorette Recap Youll Ever Read: I Still Know Nothing About Latvia Betches

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This week on The Bachelorette, we’re welcomed back to Latvia, where apparently the men heard “European adventure” and thought “yes, I must pack my spring scarf.” Never mind that production chose to showcase the country’s beauty with drab shots of gnarled trees limbs and dead grass that could easily have been filmed in upstate New York in the dead of winter, but sure, bring out those pastels, boys! Tbh I’d rather see an hour of footage that includes these scarves than watch one more minute of Hannah and Chris Harrison’s impromptu therapy session like we endured last week. And we did ENDURE if the twitch that I developed in my left eye is any indication.

Garrett’s One-On-One Date

Garrett gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and Luke declares that this is the first time he’s ever been “legitimately jealous” of another contestant. Lol. What were all the other times, then? Certainly not thinly veiled ploys to get painted as this season’s villain to have a greater chance at getting cast on Paradise. NEVER!!

As Garrett and Hannah stroll through woods, they happen upon a naked couple falling from the sky! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was going to be a crossover with VH1’s Dating Naked. An interesting PR stunt for sure, but fine, I’ll hear them out.

For their date, they have to bungee jump from a cable car naked and tied together. We’re told that this is something “the Latvians do” as if this is some time honored tradition embedded in the country’s DNA, and not something the local youths do while on drugs (I assume). This would be like if Latvians came to Panama City Beach and said “guess I’ll have to start a fight with a guy named TadPole and spend a night in the drunk tank because that’s what Americans do!!”

GARRETT: This is the stuff of my nightmares.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

Do we think he’s nervous that she’ll think his dick is small? It’s got to be shriveled up in those conditions. It is snowing out, for god’s sake! But what if he’s turned on and starts poking her with it?? There’s no winning in nude bungee jumping, that’s for sure.

Why is she praying before she jumps off this thing? This isn’t Fear Factor, Hannah. You can say no!! They keep telling each other to “be strong” and just “trust” each other and it’s, like, wtf are they trusting each other for? They better trust the man who built those bungee cords.

Post-nude bungee jumping, production gifts the couple with bathrobes and then forces them to squat by a nearly extinct fire and converse in the snowy elements. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps this is Fear Factor.

Hannah’s like “did you see that guy’s ding dong earlier??” and I love that she’s ignoring the fact that she saw Garrett’s ding dong all but five minutes ago. I can’t decide if she’s trying to be nice and not address the elephant penis in the room, or if there just genuinely isn’t much to talk about when it comes to Garrett’s ding dong.

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Jumpin all in tonight on @bacheloretteabc 🌹#thebachelorette #bts #bachelorinsider

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Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Hannah tries to turn their entire nude experience together into a metaphor for falling in love, which is exactly how I tried to explain away losing my virginity freshman year of college during the middle of a frat party.

I guess Garrett is feeling pretty bad for playing the part of Petty Patricia at the rose ceremony last week when he started some unnecessary sh*t with Luke, because he decides to be more vulnerable with her and share the darkest moment in his life: quitting football. Lol is this a f*cking joke? This man has never known true struggle. I’m sorry, Garrett, but talking about how you quit your high school football team to try your hand at golfing is not so much baring your soul as it is listing hobbies and facts about yourself that Hannah could discover by reading your IG bio.

The Group Date

Meanwhile, back at the house, Garrett humble-brags about getting naked with Hannah his authentic Latvian experience and Luke is PISSED. You can practically see the steam coming out of his ears. It’s as if he’s just now realizing that his girlfriend is actually dating nine other men. Wild.

Okay, I’m noticing several themes about Hannah’s group dates. One, that there are always some sort of shots involved, and two, that production can’t be bothered to come up with any sort of plan or itinerary, it’s just a free-for-all of debauchery. This group date is no different. Hannah takes the men to a Latvian market, which they promptly turn into their own drunken playground. They start off with shots of moonshine and then things quickly spiral out of control with Hannah in full tyrant mode banging on counters and demanding she be fed cheese. Iconic.

Hannah starts telling the men about the nude bungee jumping fully immersing herself in Latvian culture, and you can see Luke beseeching to Jesus for guidance on how to murder Garrett and get away with it.

“Her body is her temple and she shouldn’t bare it to strangers” is something a guy who has most definitely taken a body shot off of a drunken woman in a bar before would say. And you know, I sort of see where he’s coming from here. It is a little disgusting to see someone use their sexuality to manipulate people and get ahead…

Oh, right but I guess it’s only okay to do that if you’re a guy trying to get laid. Got it.

You guys I am LIVING for this silver slitted dress Hannah has on right now. Though if we thought this would deter her from straddling Tyler in the middle of the goddamn cocktail party, I guess we were wrong. You do you, boo boo.

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Looking lovely in Latvia! 🌹 #TheBachelorette

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Jesus Christ WE GET IT, JED, we should all go download your songs off iTunes. Now, can you at least pretend to be into Hannah? If I have to listen to one more mediocre song out of this Gavin DeGraw wannabe I’m going to lose my freaking mind.

Once again, Luke expresses to the other guys his discontent with Hannah for doing something without his permission and Tyler, bless him, is the first to shut that sh*t down. He’s like, “I respect her decisions because she’s a grown-ass woman and we all should too.” And it’s like, is Tyler a feminist? FROM FLORIDA?? I am shooketh to my core and thinking I might need to reevaluate my stance on people who come out of the state of Florida. Does this mean @SweetestBetch and I will need to stop claiming all Floridians crawled out of a garbage can and headed straight to an MTV set? Nahhhhhhhhhhh it’s still funny.

Luke finally gets some alone time with Hannah and he uses it to slut shame her into submission. You guys, this conversation is truly triggering to watch. How Hannah can stomach to listen to this guy for more than five seconds is beyond me.

LUKE: I’ll always support you even if you make boneheaded decisions that make me want to put a tracking app on your phone. You’re making me feel that way. Me. Me. Me. ME.

Okay, he just called her decision to jump naked a “boneheaded mistake” and that is not sitting well with me. But what if she doesn’t regret it, Lukie? Hmm? What if, gasp, she actually enjoyed getting naked in public and freefalling from a great distance? How is that going to fit into your preconceived notions of what it means to be a “good girl”? Because, just so you know, girls can be promiscuous and good with God. Just saying.

Tyler gets the group date rose and Luke seems genuinely shocked that his sexist chastising didn’t get him the rose. In his defense, it probably always works on all the girls who slide into his DMs.

Peter’s One-On-One Date

Peter gets the second one-on-one date of the week and Hannah takes him to a sacred Latvian Mud Hut. Peter is like, “I’ve never heard of this place before” which is funny because last episode he was giving us an intricate geography lesson and now he’s acting like he’s never heard of Latvia before. I guess this part of the country looks a lot different from the layover bars where you pick up lonely women in between flights, huh, Peter?

Lol. Do we think the Latvians are pranking them rn? Like, “look at these Americans letting us slap them with bushes mwahahaha!”

After they finish using the foliage to reenact a scene from 50 Shades, the Lavians take them to a bathhouse to “sweat it out.” It’s unclear for what purpose other than to push the boundaries of soft-core porn on prime time cable.

HANNAH: We burned it down with our fire teehee
ME:

You guys, Peter is VERY attractive to me but I’m starting to think he’s lying about being a pilot. The only pilots I’ve ever encountered on a flight are old guys who make dad jokes over the intercom while I’m trying to sleep. God, I’ve got to stop flying United.

He tells Hannah how hard it’s been for him to be vulnerable on the show, and then he tells that to her that IN SPANISH. You guys, I’m dripping. He is really busting out all the moves tonight and it is WORKING for me!! This might be the hottest thing I’ve seen all week and I’m including watching Shawn Mendes’ muscles in that “Seniorita” video.

Back At The Hotel

Jed declares that he’s overcome with jealousy and intends to go serenade Hannah before the rose ceremony. He just misses her that much, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that no one has viewed the music video he made on GarageBand and posted to YouTube just before going on this show. Nothing at all.

JED: *serenades Hannah with a “Jed Wyatt Original”*
ME: *whispers under breath* He probs wrote this song for his girlfriend.

Well, Hannah certainly likes to be on top, doesn’t she? After singing his favorite songs off his forthcoming album (which I’m sure conveniently drops during the finale episode), they start doing some heavy petting in the bed and I can’t help but picture Jed’s girlfriend back home, probably a bottle of wine deep and watching the show with the one girlfriend she confided her situation to in, and adamantly swearing that it’s all “just acting.” Oh, sweetie.

JED: I really am falling in love with you.
ME: 

Meanwhile, Garrett is back on his bullsh*t and stirring up drama for no apparent reason. Look, I hate Luke with every fiber of my being, but doesn’t he understand that being the sh*t stirrer is just, like, a bad look in general? Let Luke stay in his lane and drive straight off the cliff he’s accelerating at full force towards!!

Hannah drags Luke to talk to him ONCE AGAIN about his controlling and toxic traits, and it’s getting very old. Here’s my hot take on the situation: during that episode where Hannah gets him shirtless and then he comes to find her after the rose ceremony their connection was palpable. I remember watching the episode and thinking “they seem like they’ve known each other forever” and I think Hannah is hanging onto that feeling for all it’s worth. I mean, do I think she’s acting like an idiot? For sure. But she’s also being held hostage by ABC and is only allowed to talk to these select few men, most of whom are garbage, so I could see how she might be confused and stupid.

LUKE: I will never control you or tell you what to do with your body.
ALSO LUKE: It’s not that you’re a slut, you just act slutty sometimes.

Every valid point Hannah brings up, Luke immediately refutes by saying she’s “twisting his words” even though these are words that just came out of his own goddamn mouth. He’s like “I’m doing my best even though my best is dog sh*t.” And the worst part about is that Hannah looks like she’s going to accept this as an apology. SMDH.

If I have to hear the phrase “stay in your lane” one more time one more goddamn time, I will f*cking scream.

Final Rose Cut: Dylan and Dustin both go home this week, which makes sense because I genuinely cannot name one single characteristic about either of them except that the one guy has a nose ring and the other one does not.

Post-rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like “Jesus Christ. Luke again? Really?” and Hannah says something to the effect of: “I’m either falling in love with him or he’s going to send me to an early grave.” YEAH, HIM AND EVERY OTHER MAN IN THIS WORLD.

Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if it’s love or just Stockholm Syndrome. My money is on the latter! Adios, betchachos!

Images: Giphy (6); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instragram (1); ABC (1)

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